Feb162010

Because sometimes, people just don’t believe you. Publishing the hate.

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Recently, on Twitter, you might have seen me asking for prayers with not much explanation.

Well, remember the post I wrote in January?

I got some responses. Several were fantastic and supportive. Some were not.

I’ve decided to take one of the negative responses, and take excerpts from it to share with you all. Now this person, knows my parents. In fact they consider them friends.

Why am I doing this? Because there will always be people out there who do not believe abuse can happen between a parent and their child. Just because they thought they knew/know the adults. Some people don’t believe things can happen behind closed doors.

Those people look through rose-colored glasses. Or they’re brainwashed. Which is more likely the case.

I also want to use this conversation as a way to show you all how hurtful these things can be. It took A LOT of courage and strength to write my post. It also took quite a bit of vulnerability and buckets of tears.

The person who wrote to me told me of their abusive past, but one of being in a relationship. I want to clarify here that being in an abusive relationship is EXTREMELY DIFFERENT than being an abused child, one who was/is abused by their parent(s). And just because you have been in an abusive relationship, doesn’t make you an expert about abused children.

And before we get started, I’m all in black. They are in red and italicized.

Here is what they told me about their past:

Honestly, I don’t even remember specifics of what was explained to me when you and your family first had the falling out. But, I do remember the personal memories that it jarred inside of me when I heard the information. And by personal memories, I mean of the mental, physical and emotional abuse I suffered from an ex-boyfriend many years ago. It sounded exactly like what I went through….visitation with friends were “supervised”, mainly because he had convinced me that “they” were going to turn me against him, because they were selfish and didn’t want me to be happy. I had a pager, and if I didn’t call back within what he considered a reasonable amount of time my life was literally hell. He would tell me so many things over and over and over again that I actually started to believe that he was right. I got “lucky” though…he violated his probation (again) and this time ended up being sent to prison in north Florida. It shocked me how easy it was for me to see everything so clearly once he wasn’t there to “convince” me otherwise

Now, from this statement, they are trying to imply that my husband “supervised my visits with friends”. This was never the case. J and I went to therapy- and then put me in therapy within a month of us dating, because he recognized that something wasn’t right with me. I was full of hate, rage and was terrified of new people. My therapist was the one who told me to cut off all ties with my family, once treatment got into the “nitty gritty”. He (my therapist to be clear here) identified serious issues with my parents, and even wanted me to obtain a restraining order at the time. I want to say that J has NEVER told me what to do (except for getting help) or kept me from friends and/or family-  and honestly, he couldn’t. Once I began therapy, I became a different person. I was my OWN person. And now free to make my OWN decisions. In fact, J was very worried that once I continued with therapy I might not be interested in him anymore because I was so different. Obviously, that was not the case!

And, this may piss you off, it may have you block me from ever possible venue there is to block me from, I don’t know, but I just can’t sit back any longer. Knowing your parents and your brother, I truly find it impossible to believe anything that was in there. I do not doubt that you do believe it to be all true, so do not think I am calling you a liar. But, I am now certain that the mental comparisons I made between my ex and your now husband so many years ago when your parents and Greg first told me what little bit they did tell me, were dead on and that over time you have been “brainwashed” to believe the story that you now know as your life.

Okay, this did not piss me off. This made me cry. A lot. Yes, you know my parents. But not very well. I know who you are, and where you live. So you see my parents what? Once, maybe twice a year? That’s HARDLY enough time to judge someone’s character. Ever hear of putting on a show? Well that’s what you got. Off-Broadway quality.

My parents don’t know the first thing about my husband. Why? Because he knew to stay away from them. He saw how they treated me. He saw how my mother lunged at me (to hit me) the last time I ever saw her. I was terrified that last night. I really thought, even at 19, that she would try to kill me. Why do you think I called the police? I called them because I was concerned for my life. I am sure they didn’t tell you about that.

About me being brainwashed-I AM NOT BRAINWASHED. HOW DARE YOU. Now that statement, pisses me off. I have not gone through 8 years of intensive therapy to be brainwashed. I have worked so hard at becoming a better person. To deal with what happened to me. I have hardly talked about my story to anyone outside of therapy. I have a small group of friends I have shared this with before I posted it. Even J doesn’t know the majority that I have shared with my therapists. I only have talked to him about a very small amount.

You say you aren’t calling me a liar, but you are.

Shame on you for telling someone who is a survivor of abuse (just like you claim to be) that they are making it up, just because you think you know the abusers.

You spoke in the blog entry of how you had one friend, I remember just how many friends were always filling your house when we would visit. I remember the goals you had set for yourself…I remember calling you the future Governor of Ohio because of YOUR goals and YOUR opinions

Yes, there were several people running in and out of my house. None of which I considered friends. I had one “real” friend through high school. Mainly because it’s all I was allowed to have. I was rarely allowed to go to other’s houses, and only as I got older allowed to have other people come over. Calling me the Governor of Ohio was your mistake. You didn’t know me. Like I said, I saw you maybe 6 times out of my whole life. You didn’t know my goals. You didn’t know my opinions. Did you know that when I was 14 that I got reflux disease because of stress caused by my mother? Did you know that she called me bulimic and told me that if a doctor confirmed it, that she’d kill me? Did you know that I believed her- and only asked to go to the hospital when I really thought I was going to die- so I didn’t have to worry about her killing me either way? I didn’t think so.

I know your response will be that I only got to see 1-2 weeks a year for a few years…and you’re right. And a lot of people who haven’t experienced the kind of abuse that I (and I believe YOU) have experienced would think that it’s easy to hide things for a couple of weeks to keep cover, etc. But, after having the experience I did, I know just how easy it is to have someone else convince you that things are what they truly aren’t. But, as long as you keep with the flow and under the control of the “story teller” you’ll never escape the box within your brain that is telling you that what you think you know is true

Like I said- the abuse you experienced is very different than mine. Don’t claim to think you know what’s going on. I’d be more than happy to put you in touch with my therapists, especially the one who said he would go on record if I went for a restraining order against my parents. You, are in fact the story teller. You claim you know people, when in fact you have no idea. My “box within my brain” has been broken, thanks to the support of medical help, family and friends. I am now in a loving, supportive relationship and am happier and healthier than I ever have been. Fat and happy I think is the saying.

I know you may hate me now and think that I think you are a liar. Again, I don’t. I think you poured your heart and guts out with what you honestly and truly believe is true, that in no way makes you a liar.

But, hate me or not, I would beg that you research the internet, find a support group, reach out to others who have had the same thing happen to them, it’s the only way you will ever be free to be you again. Until that time, you’re living someone else’s life.

Take care, and I think of you OFTEN

You have said several times that you don’t think I am a liar, yet you say you can’t believe my account to be true. I’m sorry, but that’s a contradiction. But I know that what I have said is the truth. And there are people out there who know it is too. They have decided to stay quiet, which is fine. I told my story of being abused by my mother to help others. I want people to know that abuse can happen everywhere. Even where they least expect it.

I have a support group, thank you for your concern. I have several people surrounding me who love and truly care about me. And have never once threatened or harmed me- or belittled me. Which is much more than I can say for my parents. Please, ask my father how many times he called me a slut. I’m sure he’ll deny it, but it’s more times than I’d like to count. What kind of parent does that to their child- at any age (especially being young, and a virgin at the time)?

I have the help that I need. And if this is someone else’s life- I hope it never ends. I’ve found my bliss. And it’s being J’s wife and M’s mother. K, J3, J4 and A’s daughter-in-law. D and T’s sister. C,S and D2’s aunt. I love my real family. And am so thankful they saved me from the horror that my parents put me through.

Let me be clear-I didn’t write that first post for you. I didn’t write it to convince people of what had been done to me. I took the opportunity to bring light to a “taboo” subject. I think, by telling my story, that I might be able to help someone. Whether it’s by opening someone’s eyes to a bad situation, or helping those who have been abused by their parents know they can survive- and thrive.

So please, stop thinking of me. Clearly you don’t know the real me. And because of your note, you never will.

*I will be leaving comments open, however will be moderating them. Think about what you post- if you wouldn’t say it in front of people you know- then don’t post it. Hiding behind your keyboard does not make you anonymous. Remember that.

I will be deleting all inappropriate comments.

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14 Responses

  1. (1.) andreaFebruary 16th, 2010
  2. (2.) KandiFebruary 16th, 2010
  3. (3.) Amy in OHioFebruary 16th, 2010
  4. (4.) Jennifer Y.February 16th, 2010
  5. (5.) KarenFebruary 16th, 2010
  6. (6.) RyanneFebruary 16th, 2010
  7. (7.) Decision, What You Haven’t Been Told About ThemFebruary 16th, 2010
  8. (8.) JessieFebruary 16th, 2010
  9. (9.) ShawnaFebruary 16th, 2010
  10. (10.) HeatherFebruary 16th, 2010
  11. (11.) AprilFebruary 16th, 2010
  12. (12.) BeckyFebruary 17th, 2010
  13. (13.) Tricia (@amelie522)February 19th, 2010
  14. (14.) Marianne@Writer-MommyFebruary 20th, 2010