Survivor Unsilenced.
You know those commercials you see all the time on TV, that are just stating over and over that “depression hurts”. Well, yeah. It does hurt. But life goes on, and you can’t just sit there on the couch staring off into space. It just doesn’t work like that. Or maybe it does, if you’re not a mom. I’ve been struggling with depression for quite a bit lately, and with my way of coping- I just don’t leave the house unless I have to.
Let me give you a little background here.
On the outside, growing up, it seemed like I had the perfect life. I grew up in a quaint little house, with a white picket fence and an American flag hanging high. It was always decorated in the most gaudy decorations you could buy from Wal-Mart , Home Interiors and Longaberger. I had parents that were still unhappily married, and a younger brother who was “disabled”.
Bottom line of this situation- I was the “unwanted one, and wished they would have gotten rid of me when they had the chance”- quoted from (what you would consider) my mother. Emotional and physical abuse was a daily part of my life. There was not a morning that went by without being hit or yelled out. From the point where I can remember up to the day I moved out as an adult. My earliest memories of childhood are of me being beaten. I remember having to lie about the bruises and marks, and when I finally told the truth (when the abuse got to it’s worst point) to a school counselor, I was told that I had an active imagination, because she KNEW my parents, my mother in particular.
I was a good kid. I never got into trouble. I never smoked, drank or did drugs (at least until I got to my senior year of high school-which was me trying to end what little feelings I still had). I did everything my parents told me to. I was in dance lessons 8-10 hours a week after school and on the weekends, which I hated. I volunteered within the city, and even held a position on the commission when I was 14.
All of which was forced. My mother was trying to live a life she could have never had, through me. She took all of her hate, her anger towards other people out on me. I was her legal punching bag. And I say legal, because she got away with it so many times.
I remember my brother, being oh-so-little, walk by my mother and in a fit of rage (unprovoked mind you), picked him up and threw him into our tv. And her first instinct was to tell me “tell the truth and I will kill you, no one will miss you”. Her second was then to call an ambulance for my brother who was bleeding from his head. I remember the police coming, and I remember lying.
I wish I would have told the truth.
The saddest part? My mother had been a school teacher.
You read that right.
Your child could have been taught by this monster. She hated her own kids. How do you think she handled yours? I’m not trying to scare you, but I’m just trying to show you that you might not really know who takes care of your child’s education. Really. So if your child tells you that something isn’t right with their teacher- listen to them, and look into it seriously.
My father (who was a very well-known and respected man in our community) was mostly oblivious to the situation. Sure, he saw some of her bits of outrage, but he was mostly at work, working 24 hour shifts, then heading to another job for another 12 hours. Come home, and repeat. He was a damaged person too, which is what I think attracted him to her. He didn’t know who his biological father was, and was adopted by one of the most stoic people I have ever met in my life. His mother had so many other kids, he was lost in the shuffle.
My paternal grandmother added to my mother’s hatred of me, because she already “had another granddaughter, and certainly didn’t need another”. I remember over hearing conversations with her neighbor about me, as she referred to me as the “spoiled b*tch”.
The rest of the family in the area knew my mother was insane. They knew how she treated my brother, and especially how she treated me. They never did anything to help us. No one cared. I do hold most of them to blame for most of my pain. How on earth can adult turn their head the other way, when it’s obvious a child is being treated so horribly? I was always covered in bruises, and it’s not because I was clumsy- no matter how many times she told people I was. I was an ABUSED child. I was helpless. I was in need.
In her opinion I was never pretty. I was never smart. I couldn’t amount to anything. I’d never make it to college. My dreams didn’t matter. Anything I did was a waste of time. What I wanted was never factored in to the equation.
I was to be a robot. I had no feelings, except little moments throughout my teenage years where I would just cry for hours. For no apparent reason.
I would be beaten for those moments as well.
I was woken up in the middle of the night, just to do chores and be beaten. On school nights.
I was an average student. Never the popular kid, and only had one friend. They never knew the truth either.
As you can imagine, this is a big recipe for one damaged adult. I joined the military because it was the one place I thought I could be taken care of, and get away. I also felt it could turn into a suicide mission, and I didn’t care to live anyway.
Then I was in the tornado, and lost my hearing. At 17, I went deaf. Which ruined my career in the military before it started really. It was heartbreaking, but looking back I feel it was God’s way to STOP the insane path that I was on.
In college I was terrified to get married, or even worse, have a child. I was a product of two heartless people. How could I possibly have ANY love in me, to share with another person?
I had one failed-and short- relationship after another. Some were abusive as well. Most, I was just using them to make it seem like I was happy.
Then I went off the deep end.
And J came into my life.
After having a “2 week vacation” I ran into J. He asked me for my number. I said yes. He came to get it a day later. I said no. You can have my e-mail. He took what he could get, and we instant messaged each other that night for hours. I kept my family life a secret.
We dated. I invited him to meet my parents.
And I know what you’re thinking. How could I go back? How could I even speak to them at this point? Bottom line- I was never taught to be on my own. I was terrified that I couldn’t support myself. I can honestly say that I was scared of the outside world, because if home was so bad, how could the rest of the world be?
surprisingly, they showed their true selves to him.
Long story short… After involving police, an insane 3 page letter my mother wrote to my future mother in law filled with lies about me, a cancelled wedding, a new wedding and years and years of intense therapy that J paid for me to go through, I was able to function without a cold, black heart filled with hate and fear.
I was no longer like my parents.
I knew that I could be better, and give my husband and daughter the kind of life people should have. Everyone should have a caring, loving and warm home. No one should be scared to go to bed each night, not knowing what the next day will bring. No child should worry about getting beaten to DEATH.
Which is why I will NEVER hit my daughter. I would never want it to get out of hand. I will never allow myself to become the ugly monster I was subjected to most of my life.
I always want my daughter to be happy, healthy and know that she is loved. I want her to know that her opinion is important and I will never make her think that what she cares about isn’t worth while. I will support her no matter what, even if it means I don’t agree with her.
I am NOT nor EVER will be the parents that I had. I am better than them, and I always will be. And even if it kills me, I will do anything and everything in my power to keep them away from my child. She is far too precious to ever be subjected to their evil- which might seem melodramatic, but it’s the only way I can describe these people.
My daughter and husband are the loves of my life, and I credit them with my life. Without them (and Christ), I truly feel I’d be dead by now. I am so fortunate to have J and his family come into my life when they did. I can’t thank them enough for it.
It’s been over 7 years since I’ve had contact with my parents, and I am so much happier. I’ve been in contact with some family in the recent, but for some reason, they stopped all communication with me with no explaination. It seems as if they are all cut from the same cloth. It took that last moment to make me realize that I have the family and friends that I need, and I certainly don’t need any of my “family” in my life. I am so much better without them, and happier than I could ever be.
This doesn’t mean I still don’t have my “down moments”. It’s hard because all those years of therapy can’t erase your memories.
*Everything I have written here is the truth,and from my point of view (obviously). While some people are in denial, I refuse to lie about my past. I have written this in an effort to bring light to children who are abused- mainly the ones you would NOT expect to be treated this way.
**I will be leaving comments open, however will be moderating them. Think about what you post- if you wouldn’t say it in front of people you know- then don’t post it. Hiding behind your keyboard does not make you anonymous. Remember that.
I will be deleting all inappropriate comments.
***A very special thank you to J, J2 and H for their support during this writing process. Even though this is a short “tid-bit” of my life, it was the hardest thing I have ever written and honestly took tears weeks to get through. And of course, thank you to you, the reader. If you’ve gotten this far, I owe you some cookies.
If you’ve noticed, I’ve changed the title of this post. This time, it’s more fitting.
You are a very brave woman, Katie! The Katie that I know & instantly came to love is a wonderful woman, wife, & Mother. I am so glad to call you friend!
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I am SO SORRY!!!!!!!! To be honest I always thought your mom was a little “weird” (LOL) but I had no idea what a horrible childhood you had. I know at our last DL recital she flipped out because she thought my parents were sitting in her seats & the police almost had to be called but I had NO IDEA! Maybe if I had been a foster parent back then & had the training that I have had now I would have picked up on the clues but I didn’t and for that I apologize to you!! YOU ARE RIGHT – you are better than them!!!! If you ever need “mom” advice I’m here for you sweetie!!!!
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Love you girl. And I am super proud of you for being able to write this. It takes a lot of strength and determination, which you have in spades! I am super glad to have met you and your family and am thrilled to be able to call you my friend.
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It takes a LOT of guts and determination to write this! We’re so happy to know you and your family. We’re here for you if you ever need anything!
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You are doing ‘good work’ Katie.
You are much loved, admired and respected and you are very, very Brave. M and J are blessed to have you. And we are all lucky you are willing to share these little slices of your life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the often very humourous.
Peaceandlove, t
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If I only I knew back then. I do not even know the words. I’m trying not to cry now. I feel like I wasn’t enough of a friend. So sorry. You are very brave! I do remember some parts of your story though during college when we would IM each other (and I was distraust then). I’ll email you more later because I am blown away. I am glad that you have an amazing family now. You are amazing KC! Always have been & always will be! You helped me feel less lonely in a new place & were very welcoming. Your daughter will be like her mother, a wonderful beautiful person that will bring a light into the world like Jesus wanted us to be. Thank you for opening up. You are a blessing to all of us!
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My sweet, brave and loved Katie! This post was brilliantly written and I trust your honesty will plant seeds in all who read it. Seeds that may help save a child in need or help someone recognize unhealthy actions in ones own life. Although I have heard your story, it still breaks my heart. Thank you for writing this. You are more brave than I am. May God be with you as your “past” may try to bite you for your honesty. I pray the great comments will delete the nasty ones and that you will continue to feel affirmed as the person you have become! Well done friend! BRAVO!
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Katie. Good job writing this. I know it was hard. VERY HARD. You might want to take some time and read the books by David Peltzer. He went thru a lot of the same stuff. I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. That doesn’t excuse the fact of people behaving like monsters but you are such a sweet and caring person. I am so glad that you are here.
Andrea
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Becky Dell, Becky Dell. Becky Dell said: My BRAVE friend! Must read http://www.domesticdebacle.com/2010/01/07/the-post-that-i-never-wanted-to-write-but-knew-i-needed-to/ [...]
Katie I had no idea that this was all going on when we were going to school together. After reading this it brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry that you had to endear that through your time of growing up. I ADMIRE your bravery in writing this post. I’m so happy that you found J and a Family that loves and cares for you. Mia is lucky to have awesome parents like you and J. We all love you!
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Katie, I sitting here at work trying to keep it together when I really just want to have a big, wet, snotty weep-fest. I want to drive as fast as I can to PHL and get on the next plane to Ohio so I can give you the biggest, tightest bear hug ever!! I am so sorry that you had to go through this. It is absolutely awful and I hate them for doing it to you. My heart breaks for anyone who is abused, but especially children. You are beautiful and courageous and I am so proud of you for breaking the cycle. Much love and prayers to you and your family.
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Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by dellgirl1: My BRAVE friend! Must read http://www.domesticdebacle.com/2010/01/07/the-post-that-i-never-wanted-to-write-but-knew-i-needed-to/...
Thank you for sharing your story and being honest. I can’t imagine how hard this must be to share, but I can only imagine how sharing your story might help to save another little girl from a horrible situation because now we are all aware.
Thank you.
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My sweet,loving friend, bravo to you for standing up for yourself! I KNOW how hard it is when you open up those old wounds & expose yourself like this…..you are braver than I. There are still very few people who know my “secret”. You are a wonderful Mommy & broke the cycle of abuse. {{{HUGS}}} Luv you gf!!!!
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That was an incredibly brave post to write and share. It’s a reminder not just about child abuse in unexpected places, but to remind people that sometimes things are never what they seem to be. Everyone has a story, and it’s not always sunshine and puppies.
Thank you for finding the strength to write this.
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you are brave my friend.
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I love you Katie, you’re a strong woman, just always remember that you are strong not because of that experience, but DESPITE that experience. And there’s always Disney!
Love ya!
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Wow! You’ve led a very hard life! I admire you for your courage and for giving credit to Christ. How blessed you are to have a husband so loving and helpful!
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KC, where do I begin? I met you when you were so young, and although my gut feeling was that there was some disfunction behind the scenes,I never imagined the horror that you went through. I always imagined you as the beautiful intelligent ballerina! Im so sorry, but i can tell you this, you have turned around your life and broke the cycle and that takes a strong strong person. Thank you for having the strength to share this and know if you ever need to vent, I am here for you. I just wish i could have done more for you years ago.
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Katie this just goes to show that there are people out there who can break cycles and you should be so proud of that. I struggle a lot with depression too but for different reasons and I think the worst part about it for me is knowing all the time I am wasting feeling that way that I could be enjoying life and especially enjoying my family. I hate how depression will put a wall up or more like a huge weight holding me down and keeping me from enjoying the most precious things in my life sometimes. All while knowing that is what is going on. It sounds like you could be a voice for those who feel there is no end to what they are going through and an educator for those who think child abuse is more obvious to recognize. Be proud of yourself and keep up the good work healing and in being an advocate.
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Oh wow Katie. You are incredibly brave to bring this out and I think it will be very therapeutic for you. I was amazed at some of the simlarities of our lives growing up as I also suffered from mental/physical abuse growing up and currently suffer from depression. I also joined the military to get far away from my place of growing up and live a lifestyle of independence from them. Just wanted to let you know that I’m ALWAYS here if you want to get out and talk or just hang out and laugh. God works in incredible ways and I think you will be helping others by this post. (((HUGS)))
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As you know depression is a pretty serious thing. Only knowing you through our respective blogs, I never would have guessed you had this hiding in your closet. It is good for you to use your blogging platform to raise awareness of child abuse, even in the “good families.”
Thank you for not only sharing your story, but for sharing your strength with the world.
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Wow! What an amazing & terrifying journey you have been on! Kudos for you for “writing” your story
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from Jennyit up’s mom: You are a treasure and a blessing.
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I am very proud of you for writing this. You may not ever know in this lifetime whose life you touched,and potentially saved, by taking this brave step. May God continue to bless you with healing and a life that continues to fill with His joy! I am proud to count you as a cyber buddy.
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You should be so proud of yourself for refusing to become a parent like you had. You hear so many sad stories about kids who had tough childhoods, and end up raising kids in the same way. It’s rare, and wonderful to see someone refuse to be a victim of his/her past.
You’re very brave for sharing the story!
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Thank you for sharing this with us! It is very brave of you to put yourself “out there” like this. Don’t forget God has his plan for us and sometimes the experiences we have in life are for a reason. Only He knows. Hopefully, this will help someone in some way. I found my faith as an excellent way to keep strong and for support. God Bless you and your family.
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I would imagine this was an incredibly tough, yet freeing post to write. Kudos to you for breaking the cycle and showing your family a positive life.
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[...] The post that I never wanted to write, but knew I needed to … [...]
You’re so courageous to write this, and so strong for resolving to give your daughter a better life than you had. You’re a great mama – love you!
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So sorry you went through that growing up but you have grown into an amazing woman. It’s all of the experiences in life…good, bad, indifferent, that make us who we are. We are not predestined to become a certain way we all have a choice and looks like you a perfect example of taking control of your life. big hugs to you!
xox
red sole diary
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I remember on one episode of “Designing Women” where the ladies were given a box that looked like a jewelery box, but when they opened it instead of music filling the air, applause broke out. I am opening my box for you today, close your eyes and feel the crowd cheering you on in support for opening up and sharing what must have been a very difficult thing to share. You are as Wynonna says a “Shero” in my book.
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[...] The post that I never wanted to write, but knew I needed to … [...]
Oh Katie, my heart is breaking for you right now! You are such a strong, amazing woman and a true inspiration in my life. Thank you for sharing your story and bringing this awful subject to the forefront of people’s minds. Because you are exactly right, many times it’s happening in the homes where you think it could never happen. It’s so, so sad and I’m just devastated to hear your story. Please know that if you need anything – support, encouragement, someone to talk to, or even someone to just drink wine with! – I am here! Your life has been blessed with an amazing husband and wonderful daughter, and you deserve that happiness. And I feel as though my life has been blessed just by knowing you for the short time I have!
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I just saw this Katie – what a journey you have been on. I’m sorry for all of the pain, but find it amazing how your life has been transformed to one so full of life and love, especially for your little girl.
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Oh Katie, I wish I had read this before Tuesday night so I could have just hugged you when I saw you.
And hugged you. And hugged you.
You are an awesome person and the very fact that you are HERE, living, breathing, loving after all that you suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to protect you shows us (and hopefully you) that you are not just a survivor, but a HERO.
Your hubs and daughter are lucky to have you.
You are, as I always tell my kiddos, God’s Great Good Katie. He loves you and He shines through you.
Shine on, girl.
{hugs}
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{{{{HUG}}}}
Erin
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So brave of you to be able to let the world know what your life was like as a child. I hope letting your “secret” out gives you a some sense of peace. Your daughter is so lucky to have a mom like you…one that took the time to do the things needed to end the cycle of abuse. Thank you for sharing.
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Even though I don’t know you personally, my heart goes out to you. The things that are done to children by those who are entrusted with their lives is unfathomable. You have endured a tragic situation, and through your strength and the support of your loved ones, you are breaking the cycle and making others aware of the reality of abuse in “good families”.
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I truly admire anyone who can rise above the brutality of their childhood. I grew up with foster brothers and sisters and have seen first-hand the damage that is caused by adults who have the warped sense to beat children. It is unthinkable. You have made something with your life and made the choice to break that vicious cycle and deserve to be commended. It was brave to share your story.
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Katie you know how great I think you are! Loads of hugs and thoughts in getting through this…
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I am totally touched (and blessed) by your friends who posted “I knew things weren’t right – but never knew it was that horrible”.
Such a great reminder that things aren’t nearly ever what they seem.
Awesome, all of you.
t
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Wow. Bravo to you in having the strength to write this. Being able to come out on the other end of this a strong and good person, really shows your true strength in character. Your husband and daughter are lucky to have you as their wife and mommy. I know we’ve never met beyond Twitter, but I’m truly happy for you.
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Wow.
Just wow.
Thank you for being a voice for those who either cannot or will not admit the horrendous things that have been done to them by those who should have been the ones protecting them.
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I want to give you a huDge hug and a squeeze right now. It was lovely meeting you at Blissdom. You rock.
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[...] Well, remember the post I wrote in January? [...]
You are a brave and beautiful woman. I know others will be helped by your willingness and courage to share your story.
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[...] Debacle I want you to take a minuet to look at a few of her posts. The first one is about the Domestic Debacle of her childhood. The next one is a little on the continuing journey of the Domestic Debacle with [...]
[...] Debacle I want you to take a minute to look at a few of her posts. The first one is about the Domestic Debacle of her childhood. The next one is a little on the continuing journey of the Domestic Debacle with [...]
Katie, I never knew any of this in school (well obviously if your bf didn’t know). I went through something similar, but never carried myself as well as you did! You always made my day when we would chat in school. I thought you were the coolest thing since peanut butter and figured you were the happiest thing ever. I’m so sorry this happened. I don’t pity you, instead I am proud of you overcoming this all and becoming the wonderful woman that you are today. You are so very brave for posting this and letting the world see your struggle. You have come so far!!!
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[...] those of you that don’t know my history with my family, please click on this post: The post I never wanted to write, but knew I needed to. It’s sad, but it will give you the background you’ll [...]
Hey Katie, I’ve been through some stuff, too. I just need to tell you… Your parents are screwed up. They should not have treated you like that. They were wrong and you never deserved it. Love you, friend.
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